The Grateful Past

Sometimes looking your past straight in the face helps you fully appreciate your present.

I’ve said it many times, but I really didn’t let it sink in enough.  Recently – I had a day alone delivering mail for about 12 hours.  It was a long day full of blood, sweat and tears.  Quite literally too – there is no telling how many paper cuts that bled that day.  It started out chilly but got up into the 70’s and I actually broke a sweat a few times while moving things around in the truck.  But mostly, it was a day of tears.  

That week had been a true emotional roller coaster.  From the fears of losing my Dad in the midst of his heart problems and surgery – to a huge let down of a special weekend event that got canceled due to the circumstances surrounding my Dad’s surgery and me having to work for my mom.  I was angry.  I was depressed.  I was hurt.  I was relieved.  I was every kind of emotion possible all wrapped up in an exhausted woman on a beautiful Saturday.

I prayed a lot that day.  I’m sure people passing by probably thought I needed to be committed because God and I had some arguments, some heartfelt pleas for help and a few moments of sheer surrender.  I looked at everything my life has been (the past part) and what it has become (the present part) and I once again felt the hard kick in my “arse” that reminded me I have much to be thankful for.  

I realized I had become one of those people who simply took for granted the good things in their life.  I didn’t feel that it was owed to me, but my lack of appreciation and thanks made it appear that way.  I realized how ungrateful I had/have been toward my boyfriend.  It hurt to sit back and really see how often he had let go of his own hopes and dreams in his life just so I wouldn’t be hurt.  You know you have a gem when they stifle things they want to say or do because they know that although they aren’t wrong or bad – your past and your past pains could make you view them that way.  My past – My anger – My inability to truly let go and move on to become a better person – all of that has prevented HIM from having what he has wanted and deserved for so long.  Yet he never complains. 

I’ve grown a lot over the last two years.  I’ve learned to forgive.  I’ve learned to let go.  I’ve learned to accept how wrong I was and how prideful I have been at times.  I’ve learned to embrace myself and just be ME.  Unfortunately – the process of getting here (and the continued process there WILL be) have been tough on the man who has loved me through it all.  Sitting in a truck delivering mail alone – God really showed me how I am a petty and selfish person.  He showed me how lucky I am to have a man at my side who wants to help me always.  Who supports my hopes and dreams and who has willingly sacrificed his own just to help me see mine come true.

Yes, sometimes looking at where you have been before can truly open your eyes and your heart to the good of where you are right now.  I haven’t had anything to complain about – but I certainly haven’t said thank you nor shown appreciation like I should have.  It hurts.  It’s embarrassing.  It’s actually quite humiliating to admit how ungrateful I have been.  I’m looking at my present right now – I’m rejoicing over the place I am in and I hope that those simple words – well – they make a difference in someone’s life.  I hope someone takes a look at their past too and realizes how blessed they are in the present and makes the choice to show the present (whoever that may be) how grateful they are for them.

Journey To Virginland by Armen Melikian - Book Review & Giveaway!

Yet again I have had the privilege of reading a book that is unique in literature today.  I can’t explain how truly excited I am to be chosen to read Journey to Virginland by Armen Melikian.  It was by and large a book unlike anything I’ve ever read before. 

From the first page I was pulled in and intrigued by the oddities I was reading.  Not a typical romance, mystery or even suspense novel – this book takes a look at things from a level I’ve never went to.  From the viewpoint of Dog – we see a fictional world that mirrors our own in many ways. 

Imagine complete blatant honesty without worry of censorship about religion, sexuality, war, politics and relationship and you will have a good idea of the book I am speaking of today.  Some might say Dog is full of sadness and should be pitied for his view of this fictional Virginland (albeit somewhat mirrored image of America).  For myself – I think that Dog uses what most of us do just to manage each day – a bit of humor, a lot of inner strength and a wee bit of motivational disgust with how things are.

Journey to Virginland holds a raw bit of honesty for each of us.  Whether it be your take on the political situation – our military – the ridiculous “wars” we have fought in recent years or simple relationships with the opposite sex – you can find a niche in this book to sink your teeth into.  Following Dog through the 3 year journey that is upside down and opposite of what we generally see (or admit to seeing) was eye opening and motivating.  As a Christian – the theme was harsh at times and boldly made me swallow my pride and admit wrongness in areas.  I fear some would consider it blasphemous in the conversations between Dog and God or Dog and Satan – but in all honesty – I feel it’s MORE honest and real than the faux “prayers” we see commonly spouted.  

One passage regarding “Paradise” and the changes therein struck me deeply: 

“Truly there has come into being a society which is of no use to imperialists.

Paradise has gone from an ‘open museum’ to an open orduretum.  The lotus withers, dogs suffocate, life goes kaput.”

How true these words are in reference to our supposed Paradise.  Again – I am shocked to read a book of this honesty, this caliber literately, this brilliance in today’s time.  Highly reviewed by scholars and authors worldwide – I know it has impacted and will impact lives.  I only wish it could become the “Twilight” of this time – a book that sweeps across the social classes and impacts everyone opening their eyes to the destruction WE have created in our world – the lies we have covered up and the hypocrisy that plagues what use to be Christianity and Faith. 

Thanks to Armen Melikian for the wonderful autographed copy of his novel.  I can honestly say this was a read I wasn’t prepared for and was floored by.  It has left me reeling with thoughts/ideas/plans/desires for my life and future in respect to how I treat the world around me – how I view our government and political situation but especially how I look at my God and my example as a true Christ Follower.  This book gets 5 stars from me!

You can buy this book on Amazon.com.  The author is found on Twitter and Facebook. 

Now - an easy giveaway using Rafflecopter!!!  NO MANDATORY ENTRY!!!  :-) 

GIVEAWAY ENDS: 

March 1st at Midnight

To get a loan or not get a loan! That is the Question!

Going back to school has definitely been a challenge for me.  Between hours spent in class, doing homework and research and the lack of sleep because of that – I feel like I will never get caught up.  The past month has had many obstacles in the way of getting my normal job – school and family responsibilities done.    On top of that – there are the added financial strains of going back to school. 

If you are an older student (meaning anyone who doesn’t go directly from high school to college) you probably understand fully what I am talking about.  Yes, there are scholarships, grants and funds available depending on your income level and grades that will help pay for your college education – BUT – there are still outside expenses that come up.  For most scholarships/grants you have to maintain a full time course load.  Let me tell you – it’s nearly impossible to juggle full time school – full time work and full time family/child responsibilities.  So – something generally has to give.  Either you take fewer classes and lose part of your funding or you work less and lose part of your regular income.  That’s when people start looking at student loans more and more.  

To take a loan out or not can be a really tough decision.  One I’ve been toying with lately myself.  Although I am managing okay at the moment, I know that next semester will be even more difficult on me and my boyfriend financially.  In many ways – I’d much rather get a loan now and ease the burden on him (and our relationship) than to continue stressing our budget and relationship.  When I am done with school – it’s more likely I will have a higher/better income and be better suited to pay back on student loans.  Yet…there are so many “what ifs” involved that I am left with legal pad in hand and a list of pros and cons being sorted out. 

Have you ever taken out a payday loan?  I’m sure you’ve seen the places locally that do it.  You go in with pay stubs and some personal information and they loan you a percentage of your next paycheck to you.  It helps you in a tight moment now – but once that paycheck gets here – you are obligated to pay back the amount they owed plus most of the time a pretty hefty fee.  Well, it’ a similar thing with Student Loans.  You get what you need ahead of time and it helps you manage through a really tough/tight spot – but if you aren’t careful – you begin a cycle of borrowing that is almost impossible to stop.

What do you think?  Student loans to help make things easier now with hopes of being able to pay back later?  Or simply continue in the stress and strain currently?

Gym Update: Week 6 still Fat and Sassy!!

I haven’t done a gym update in a few weeks.  I know…I know…I said I wouldn’t slack on that in my new healthier lifestyle – but I have.  Oh, I’ve been to the gym – but instead of going 3 or 4 times a week it’s been more like once or twice.  Mind you – life has been more than a little hectic for me.  Between being at the hospital with my Dad during surgery, working for him and my mom, taking care of my grandparents as usual as well as attempting to keep up with school I seriously have NOT had the time.  

So – I have no big/major updates as far as the gym goes – but I can say that I took a walk with my boyfriend a couple of times over the weekend and although it was a bit harder going up and down the hills than I would like, it was still a HUGE improvement over only two or three months ago.  Even my lack of active exercise at the gym the last week or two hasn’t changed that I am getting healthier. 

Remember what I said originally about being active even if you can’t afford a gym membership?  This is so true.  Parking at the end of the parking lot and walking the few extra steps – walking the half mile to the gas station instead of driving there to pick up the Sunday newspaper – doing a few crunches/sit ups or push ups in the living room floor while your son watches cartoons – doing lunges, squats and bends while dusting or vacuuming – the possibilities are endless. 

Don’t let a busy schedule or lack of money keep you from being active. Three times a day spend a minimum of ten minutes doing something to get your heart rate up.  Surely we could drop a half hour of Facebook surfing or Pinterest pinning to do that? 

Don’t sit on the couch – get up and move!